Difference Maker!
In life, we are constantly growing, changing, battling our own inner demons, and coming out stronger. Well at least I hope that’s the case. This last week I had my own epiphany about myself.
When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I developed an eating disorder. Plain and simple — my life was not what I wanted it to be, and this was my solution to control it. I needed to control my body, and more importantly, my emotions. I would like to think I am the exception to this tragic fact of life for young girls, but I’m afraid I am not.
I started off by limiting my calories and what I ate. I stopped eating meat. I would eat things like mustard sandwiches, or five fat free saltine crackers with a slice of Fat Free Kraft American Cheese. The ability to control what I ate was gratifying. But like any addiction, it wasn’t enough. I then turned to purging the limited calories I took in. I coin this disorder as bularexic. This was my ability to get rid of hurtful feelings and continue losing weight. It’s terrible to admit, but the fact is, I had a love-hate relationship with my disorder. I loved every pound dropped and every emotion it helped me avoid. I hated that it was never enough, and I couldn’t stop.
I literally was destroying my family and friendships with this disorder. I was also destroying myself. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round that would not stop. I knew those close to me were watching to see if I fled to the bathroom after a meal, or how much I ate on my plate. I was under a microscope, still am with some.
Eventually, I realized I was no longer the controller. I was being controlled by “it.” I wanted to stop.
To get out of the mess I created took a long time. I had to reteach myself to eat. I had to learn other ways to deal with life. I had to get rid of the people around me who were not good for me and focus my time with those that did truly care. I had to admit I had a disorder, and it wasn’t just a diet. Then I had to pay my penance to my family and build trust with them again. Something I’m still working on.
So, that was a lot of background to what I am about to say. For decades I have described myself as having had an eating disorder. It’s in the past so no more shame. The reality is I have an eating disorder. It never goes away. I just learned how to live with it so it doesn’t go where it could go. The effects of what I created will always be with me.
This epiphany and acceptance of my reality came to me this past week. And I must say, I’m super proud of myself.
Body dysmorphia is a real effect for people with eating disorders. Therefore, I strive to define who I am on everything but my looks. But the fact is I will never see what others see when I look in the mirror, and that is always with me.
Last week — with women who are perfect to me in every way — I had an opportunity and took it. It was in the darkness, with the ocean staring us in the face, and no one around, that we decided to be go for it. Yes, that’s right, we bared it all and dove right in! There was no body comparison or judgement. No internal chains holding me back. And because of that, it was one of the most liberating and freeing moments of my life. For that one moment with those ladies, I truly let go of what is always with me.
Afterwards I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t have an eating disorder, I have one. Just like an alcoholic, it never goes away, and that’s okay. I am not ashamed of it; I’m proud of myself that every day I am winning the battle. And on that day, in that moment, I was triumphant.